im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
