I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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