just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
