I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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