omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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