I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
