Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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