Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
