Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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