Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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