I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
