Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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