I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
