remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
