life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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