I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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