Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
