hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
