My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
So here I am, sexting at work.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
