YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
