filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
