I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
