Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's rum buckets o'clock
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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