If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
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i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
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I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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