Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
