Apparently you make a good broom.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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