my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
