I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
