omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
