I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
