I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
that is very illegal...i love you.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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