I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The chlamydia really affected his face.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
