i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
