i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
