You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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