I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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