Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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