Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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