The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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