I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
