Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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