Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Randomize
