apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
This is my gift to your gina
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
