my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
