If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I am naked and annoyed.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
