Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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