Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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