Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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