I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
