at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
