Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
