i already hear my dad disowning me
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
