If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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