drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
