Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
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It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
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My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.