1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
