Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
