I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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