I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
